Next Up on the D-I-C (K)

Forgive me for the crude title. The price you pay for my desire to be clever. But yeah...me and FickleFlower are no longer together. We decided that it wasn't our time; we're at two different points in our lives. I probably will always love her, but our last attempt took place in the midst of a pending epiphany -- a heightened sense of carnal awareness, if you will. This revelation has begged the question, "Who's next up on the D-I-C?" Get on the mic and rock the symphony.

I'm not looking to become a man-whore, just to sow my oats a bit. Unfortunately, this goes against who I am in two ways: (1) I am generally not down for casual fornication from a moral standpoint and (2) I am pretty lazy from a social standpoint to put in the work required to reap such dividends...

Yo this is mad schizoid, but I'm watching this movie called The Girl Next Door that's making me rethink this whole sow my oats thing. It's about this cat who is dating his next door neighbor who he is really smitten with. Everything is going fine until she finds out she's a former porn star. He then treats her like a cheap date who has no worth but sex. She, of course, is really hurt because she really likes him. It got me thinking, "Doesn't every woman deserve to be treated like she is worth more than the sum of her private parts?"
Though, of course, I'd always be honest, I'm not sure if I would feel right knowing that sex was the motivating force behind my encounters with women. Even if she was perfectly comfortable having a physical relationship, I can't help but think that I am cheating her, and myself, of something much greater, something that she deserves. As this guy in the movie asks, "Is the juice worth the squeeze?" More on this moral dilemma to come...


"And you can still like her with your penis inside her"
- Eli from The Girl Next Door

"Now I think moral fiber is finding that one thing you really care about... and when you find her, you fight for her."
- Matthew from The Girl Next Door

Back from Vacation...but still on it

It's been a minute but I warned yall that I didn't know what was in store for this blog. Luckily for you, I've decided to post another entry.
I just got back from vacation in Vegas with FickleFlower. We had a great time for the most part. We stayed in my parents' timeshare, which was a couple of miles from the strip, which was off the chain. King-sized bed, plasma tv in the bedroom, whirlpool tub, full kitchen... we were living the good life.
Vegas is pure entertainment, appealing to a very vintage tradition of showmanship. It's all about the show -- the magic show, the comedy show, the topless show, the dance show, the variety show. I'm sure Vegas is known as Sin City, not for the gambling or prostitution, but because it has got to be a sin to have so many magicians in one town.
Speaking of gambling, Las Vegas does not play games (no pun intended. that was a pun right?). As soon as a brotha gets off the plane and out the gate, an array of slot machines is staring me in the retina. Pretty much everywhere I went, there was at least one slot machine, perpetually taunting consumers that a world of fortune awaited them if only had the balls to pull the golden lever. Reminded me a lot of America -- an environment built purely on consumption, to the point of complete moral disregard. The only way to get ahead is to play the game, despite the odds being stacked against you. If you are black, the odds are even worse (despite what Wesley Snipes thought in Passenger 57).
Needless to say, I didn't gamble much. I won six dollars on the slots, then spent it all at the arcade in the MGM Grand. I'm not even going to talk about what happens when we win...

* * *

After a week in Vegas, I'm back home in the Chi, chillin with my family. It feels good to be back home. I haven't really spent time with my family since December and even then, I was embroiled in other activities. They're doing well for the most part. My father has just started working out regularly and he's real hype about it. He's even got my little brother into the act, who is straight up chubmaster right now, probably because he spends almost all his free time playing video games. I'm supposed to roll up to the Y with them sometime this week.
My mama is doing well too. She's getting ready to get back in the frying pan, preparing for the upcoming school year. Me and her are supposed to check out an exhibit at the Mexican Fine Arts Museum, which documents the African influence on Mexican culture. It should be pretty hot so I'm looking forward to that.

Along with signs of doing well, there's also reminders of my family's vitality. My father will apparently be receiving orthoscopic knee surgery next month and also is in danger of hyperthyroidism. My grandfather is still recovering from a mild stroke and is undergoing cancer treatment. And my mama just doesn't seem as sharp as she used to be. I'm still working at how to engender a closer relationship with my little brother at this pivotal time in his development as a young man.
All these things are pushing me to enjoy the precious little time I have with my family and are making me think about the future and coming back to Chicago after graduation. I need to start praying again...


Always bet on black
- John Cutter, as played by Wesley Snipes, in Passenger 57

It is better to open your eyes and say you don't understand, than to close your eyes and say you don't believe
- Charlie from playahata.com

Click and Fireworks

There are certain movies you shouldn't see given recent happenings in your life. For example, if a white person just called you a nigger, you probably shouldn't go watch Rosewood, lest you go on a murderous, melanin-less rampage. If you were just chased by a dog, you shouldn't watch Cujo. If you just met an attractive woman but is kind of off, don't watch Fatal Attraction or Thin Line Between Love and Hate. OK, you get the idea.

Little did I know that Click with Adam Sandler would prove to be such a movie. Let me pause to give some quick background: I had been lying to someone very close to me, my girlfriend, regarding my sexual activity. She asked me about it again and I finally told her the truth, after having kept it from her for about a year and some change. Don't worry, I didn't cheat on her but it was something pretty serious. Naturally, she was upset and disgusted with me and naturally, I felt like shit. Also, keep in mind that this conversation took place within the context of a larger one in which we were evaluating our whole relationship for other reasons, which I may share at some point.

So it's the 4th of July and my girlfriend, who we'll call FickleFlower, calls me up to see if I want to go to the movies. I, of course, say yes, desperately wanting to see her as well as relieved that she can bear to be around me, though I know the next few hours won't be easy by any means. She comes over and after some deliberation we decide to watch Click (I find out later that she didn't even really wanna see Click though from my perspective she presented it as an option. Anyway...).

So in Click, Adam Sandler plays this man who is constantly being forced to pick between work and his family, often with his family losing out to his work. He comes upon a remote, which allows him to control his universe. He can fast-forward through his life, replay parts he's lived through, pause, etc. He winds up using it mostly to escape from having to make tough decisions. Instead, he goes on auto-pilot and lets life pass him by. The remote eventually programs itself based on his decisions and begins to fast-forward through his life, always picking work over family. He becomes CEO of his firm, but loses his wife, the best thing to ever happen to him, and misses his father's death. At the end, he's desperately wishing to go back to fix things, but he can't and dies in an attempt to keep his son from making the same mistakes.

Yeah, hopefully you see the relevance to my own life and why it kinda sucked to watch that movie yesterday. It got me thinking is it possible to make the wrong decision at every possible junction so that you effectively miss out on your life, the life you could've had. Have I made those decisions already that will cause me to lose FickleFlower forever? My biggest fear in this world is wasting my life and my potential. And I've already learned the hard way that there's no going back.

FickleFlower agrees that Click wasn't the best movie watch given recent events and we begin to talk about what the future holds for us, as we find ourselves in McDonalds for the second time in 3 hours (she has an insane obsession for McDonalds). She asks me what would I do if we break up. I say pursue her, even though it would probably be of no consequence because she only wants to get together when I'm not pursuing her. She laughs at this; I missed her laugh. She tells me her mind is racing, and she is struggling to get images out of her head. She is like Morris Chestnut in The Best Man (that's a clue as to what is going on people); I say yeah, it's going to be difficult (having been put in a not dissimilar situation...by her, but that's for another time). She says all these insecurities have come flooding back; I say you're on a plateau that no other woman can reach. She says what about all the other issues? I say I'm willing to try with all my heart if she is.

* * *

Boom! Boom! Bang! Fireworks! No, it's not an out-of-this-world kiss. It's real fireworks, complete with flashing lights and loud explosions. We're on 43rd St and 1st Ave, looking at NYC's fireworks demonstration. The Chi does it better. Hell, even Boston does it better. There are tons of people outside, ooohing and aaahing at the display. I never understood why people are so amused by flashing lights and loud sounds and say as much out loud. FickleFlower says they're pretty. All I can think of is how much I don't care for Que colors, though the fireworks folks apparently do like them...a lot. Me and FickleFlower have a good time being silly, as usual. If the fireworks are any indication, things seem to be looking up.


Why does this city smell like this?
~ FickleFlower

It only matters to you how you feel; what you do to your family and friends is what counts.
~ some guy from the upcoming film, The Last Kiss

The Beginning...Or the End

Driven by events that you may or may not find about, I have been forced to start this blog to encourage myself to ruminate on what is normally a rather uneventful life. I am not yet completely sure that this is the right forum for these ruminations and as a result, I have no doubts that you will be able to see the indecision underlying anything I decide to publish. I am not normally a self-reflexive person, though that answer would've certainly been different a few years ago. Despite this quality, I believe I know myself very well, and have let that knowledge of self inform my convictions.

There's only one realm where I've proved to be a blundering idiot at times and that's with women. Not in the sense that I stammer where I talk to a beautiful woman or bust a nut if I see a chick in a bra, but in the sense that I've made decisions with women that have been problematic and indicative of a man without conviction. The ramifications of those decisions are still coming back to me at the time of this writing.

I've looked at other blogs of people in my peer group and find that the blogs are not usually this self-referential. But, of course, those blogs have the benefit of describing something actually happening to them, something that is interesting and holds attention. As I alluded to earlier, nothing really happens to me, and if something did, chances are I'd be too bitch-made (can I curse in these things?) to put it up for the whole wide world to see. Nonetheless, I will try to hold the attention of anybody who happens to come upon this piece of electronic parchment. Who knows? I'm in NYC this summer; something might pop off. I know I'm supposed to take bite out of the Big Apple, but instead I feel like the worm trapped inside...

More to come...maybe.